1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,400 This programme contains strong language. 2 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:51,240 Do you want something from the fridge? 3 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,040 What a dick. 4 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,840 Still waiting for my apology. 5 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,360 Well, you'll be waiting a long time for an apology, cos if I'm not getting one, I'm not giving you. 6 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,160 You're not...you're not getting one. 7 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:02,920 Oh, well done. 8 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:09,160 "You want something from the fridge?" You dick! 9 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,880 Don't put that on the bed! 10 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,520 Are you deaf? Don't throw my shoes. 11 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:22,120 Well, don't put 'em on the bed, then. Don't throw my shoes. Well, don't put 'em on the bed, then. 12 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:23,240 You dick. 13 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,000 Jamie's gay, Steve - 14 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:31,480 I've known him since I was seven, how many times do I have to say it? 15 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,720 I...don't...care, Becky. 16 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:38,200 He doesn't even sound... How long are you going to keep that up? 17 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,920 He doesn't even sound gay. 18 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:43,480 He just sits there laughing at himself. You let him try your drink. 19 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:49,200 I'm not speaking to you till I get an apology. 20 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,560 And what's all this about Stephen Fry? 21 00:01:57,560 --> 00:01:59,000 PFFT! 22 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,040 Oh, could you stop farting? 23 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,920 I had a dhansak. Your farts stink. 24 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,960 Course they stink, they come out of my arse. 25 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,280 PFFT! 26 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,200 Ooh... 27 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,280 Why did you tell him you liked Stephen Fry? 28 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,480 I knew you'd pick that up. 29 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,000 What is there to like about Stephen Fry?! 30 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,240 I saw you biting your straw. 31 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:20,920 Just cos earring boy likes him. 32 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:24,800 Sometimes people agree with people, because it's easier than disagreeing with them, Steve. 33 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,640 His adverts are shit, Becky! 34 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:31,000 You've said...about 154 times. 35 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,120 He's not funny - he's just posh. 36 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,920 What's funny about being posh? I'm funnier than him. 37 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,640 Yeah, you're hilarious(!) 38 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:40,320 He abandoned that play in the middle of its run. 39 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,280 What do you care if Stephen Fry abandoned a play in the middle of its run? 40 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,040 My mum had tickets. PFFT! 41 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,200 Just do a poo. 42 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,520 What am I apologising for? 43 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,600 For what you said. What did I say? 44 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:08,840 I'm not telling you if you can't remember. 45 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,480 Well, Becky... You said... 46 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,120 that thing. What thing? The thing. 47 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:17,400 Oh, what thing? The thing, I don't know, the thing you said. 48 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,640 I can't remember either. Oh, well, how am I supposed to apologise if you can't...? 49 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:22,320 Just apologise to me. No-er! 50 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,840 DOORBELL 51 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,520 It's your door. 52 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,080 I'm not opening it. It wasn't me that invited 'em back. 53 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,360 Steve. Hm, hm, hm. 54 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,920 DOORBELL 55 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:48,040 Becks! Becks! Hey, I was getting worried about you. 56 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:49,760 You've just missed the most amazing thing. 57 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:53,720 Jamie did the most amazing thing. Steve, it was so funny, right - we were just walking... 58 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,560 Paul was being sick in a hedge, I think there's something wrong with his tummy. 59 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:57,640 ..this tramp and I go up to him, and he's just sitting there... 60 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:01,560 An allergy to something, to drinking too much, I think it's the yeast... 61 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,880 And I go up to him, and he's like asleep, and I'm looking at him, 62 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,960 like trying to gauge you know if he's got a knife or whatever... ..and the tramp's going, 63 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:12,440 "Where's my hat?" ..grab it off his head, and he's like, "Give me my hat back, I want my hat back!" 64 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,320 And we legged it! It was so funny, Becks! 65 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,040 We just fucking legged it. 66 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,520 So where's the hat now? 67 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,120 Ta-da! 68 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,120 Fucking traffic cone! 69 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,160 Let's get some food, I'm starving. 70 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:31,120 Yeah, helps yourselves, make yourselves at home. 71 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,600 I want a French Fancy. OK, Paul. 72 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:40,760 Hey, I've got cheese! 73 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,680 What? 74 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,680 Is that called a traffic cone? Don't know. 75 00:04:52,920 --> 00:05:00,360 Innit weird when there's this thing you see every day...? Steve...apologise. No. 76 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:03,920 If I don't get a French Fancy, someone's going to get hurt. 77 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,160 Paul. Fuck yourself. 78 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:14,080 Oi, everyone, I've got chee-eese! 79 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:18,000 Oi, like, you don't speak to me in that manner - you're not at work now. 80 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,840 Ouzo! Cheese! 81 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,600 Listen... 82 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,400 Don't tell me to listen. 83 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,600 I... Just listen. 84 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:31,280 If I want to listen, I'll listen - don't tell me to listen. 85 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:33,880 Look... Don't tell me to look either. 86 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:41,080 If you can't remember what I said, it can't have been that bad. Oh, stop being a prick, Steve. 87 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,720 Here they are! 88 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,920 Let's play a drinking game. Yeah, woo, woo! 89 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:53,080 I don't want you sitting with him. 90 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:57,560 He's got all these CD's, Shell, and they're all completely rubbish. 91 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:03,000 Hey, Becks, been watching that Kingdom again? What's Kingdom? 92 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,520 Oh, it's that programme with Stephen Fry where he's a... Have you got any decent music, Steve? 93 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:10,960 Came out a few years ago, it's brilliant. Yeah? Oh, he's so good in it. Ouzo! 94 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,120 Oh, no - sorry, mate, that was a present. Suck your own dick. 95 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,160 I think I might phone Derek, see if he wants to meet up. 96 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,560 Have you got any music that isn't the Stereophonics, Steve? 97 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:23,000 The man's a genius or something. Seriously, mate, it's from my mum. 98 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:27,360 Oh, so why don't you go and lick her fucking ovaries? 99 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:32,040 A novelist, he's an actor, a director, he writes films, he wrote My Fair Lady. 100 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,680 Did he? And he's a comedian, don't forget that. 101 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:37,880 He's literally got no decent music. There's literally nothing in here that anyone's ever heard of. 102 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:41,280 He's got a swimming pool, Laur. Shagged in it. 103 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,560 Hey has anyone seen that montage of planes blowing up? 104 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:47,280 No. Ooh, Paul, you've gotta see it, it's fucking hilarious. 105 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:51,600 Can you make sure you don't get crumbs on the bed? "Oh, can you not get crumbs on the bed?" 106 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:55,240 He's had you there, Steve. Yeah. I don't sound like that. 107 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,600 Clearly. 108 00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,480 Just wait, Shelly - I'm trying my level best. 109 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,440 Steve, have you got any decent music? 110 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,840 Yeah, I've got loads of decent music. Have a look at my iPod. 111 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,440 "I've got loads of decent music - how about Phil Collins?" 112 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,280 I didn't say Phil Collins. 113 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:10,080 How do you know I like Phil Collins? 114 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,520 Oh, that's brilliant! His drumming's out of this world. 115 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:20,840 Here it is - they're all passenger planes smashing into runways, explode in mid-air. 116 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,880 Ah, fucking ace! 117 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:31,320 (Stop what? Him! You're being pathetic. 118 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,960 (You're flirting with him. No, I'm not. 119 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,480 (You're eating his cheese. 120 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:38,840 (So? 121 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,480 (It's sexy! What!) 122 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,760 You eating cheese is sexy. 123 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:52,000 Wow, Steve, you really know how to charm a girl. 124 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,720 LAUGHTER THEN DOORBELL 125 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,800 Oi, he did a double flip. Did a double flip. 126 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,080 Sorry, mate, are we being too loud? 127 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,360 No, no, not at all. 128 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:18,440 Having fun? Yeah, Becky's flirting with Jamie, they're watching real people die - it's brilliant. 129 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,320 Ah, sounds nice. Ooh, traffic cone. 130 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,480 That's funny. Hm. 131 00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:26,240 It's not called a traffic cone. Traffic island? 132 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,440 Mm, no, that's the concrete bit in the middle of the road. 133 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,800 Sleeping policeman? 134 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,120 Are we really doing this? OK, well, er, 135 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,800 just been on my own upstairs. 136 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,320 Listened to 5 Live. Ate a gateau. 137 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,520 Do you wanna come in? Oh, thank you. 138 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,680 Didn't think it would be that easy. 139 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,960 Shelly here? Yeah. 140 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:55,080 She's really drunk. Oh, it's the best news I've had all day. HE BURPS 141 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,840 Tastes of gateau. 142 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,480 Let's play a drinking game! 143 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:06,280 In a minute, Jamie, I'm going to be asking you to write the name of a celebrity on it. 144 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,080 You understand? Yes. 145 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,760 Hello, hello, hello. 146 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:13,440 What's going on here, then? 147 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,280 We're playing a drinking game, Dan. 148 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,720 You can sit down and keep yourself to yourself, and don't say a word. 149 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,400 You all right, Dan? 150 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,920 Yeah. 151 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,400 Don't come in - I'm pissing. 152 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,600 Get out! Get out! 153 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:29,760 Is that how you piss? 154 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:34,400 OK, so has everyone got a piece of a paper or a pen or a pencil? 155 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,280 Um, Becks, can I have a word? 156 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,480 Ooh! 157 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,400 Sorry about that, mate. 158 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,280 Paul pisses like a woman. 159 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,000 What do you mean? 160 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,800 I just walked in on Paul in the toilet, and he pisses like a woman. He was sat on the toilet. 161 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:11,800 How do you know he wasn't pooing? Well, he said he was pissing. Well, everyone says they're pissing. 162 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:16,360 Is that why you brought me in here, to tell me that Paul pisses like a woman? 163 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,960 No, I want you to stop flirting with Jamie. 164 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:26,600 Ooh, how many times?! He's gay, he's my oldest friend. 165 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,720 He self-laughs. Everything he says, he self-laughs. 166 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,160 I've known him since I was seven, 167 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,920 can't get out of it now. 168 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:39,000 You need to chill out, find a space and just... Chill out? 169 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,160 Yes. You need to chill out, find a space... 170 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,520 What do you mean find a space?! 171 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,480 Well done, butter fingers. 172 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:52,560 "Butter fingers" now? 173 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:56,080 The best thing to do is to shake it up more and then it actually de-fizzes. 174 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,000 Does it? Yeah. 175 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,160 OK. 176 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,840 Are you taking the piss? Yeah, course. Oh, Becky! 177 00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:13,120 Oh, that should help(!) 178 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:20,040 Do you know what you said to me? 179 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:21,720 Oh, here we go. 180 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:26,120 You said there isn't a girl in the chip shop you wouldn't want to shag. 181 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,360 No, I didn't. 182 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,320 Oh, yes, you did. 183 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:36,400 There's at least two girls the chip shop I wouldn't want to shag. 184 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,440 Hm. 185 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:43,480 Rachel's 20 stone, and Clare looks like her brother. 186 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:46,920 Now who's self-laughing? 187 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,040 Becky, please don't sit with him. 188 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,080 Oh, fuck! 189 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,920 No, Paul, stop being mean. You can't just say that, you have to say "in my opinion" first. 190 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:04,320 OK, OK. In my opinion, 191 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,480 there's no such thing as aliens. 192 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:11,200 Well, Paul, someone else and myself included and NASA, we might have a different opinion 193 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:15,880 to you, and everyone is entitled by law to have an opinion. Er, Laura reckons she saw an alien. 194 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:20,240 We're trying to play a drinking game, and Paul's being mean about the alien I met. 195 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,880 What was he doing again? It was a she. What was she doing? 196 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:28,360 She stood there at the end of my bed with an air of dignity. 197 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,040 What she didn't even say anything? 198 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,440 She came all that way and she didn't even say anything. 199 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,840 She couldn't say anything, Paul - she didn't have a mouth. 200 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,840 In your opinion. No, it's a fact. 201 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,000 Her head was made of lots of little heads, and none of them had mouths. 202 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,280 I bet you're a brilliant dancer. 203 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:51,520 Yeah, I am. I...I practise during the day. 204 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,000 Kieron's a dancer. Very nimble. 205 00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:02,160 I take him down the Prince, I fill him with Red Bull, and he dances on his own for hours. 206 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,440 Oh, is that...? 207 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,560 One minute... 208 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,000 He sounds like a great kid. 209 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:19,800 Are you all right there, Becks? Yeah, I'm fine. 210 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,080 So she was an alien. 211 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:25,560 Why are you doing this, Paul? You know I don't like it when you mock my visitations. 212 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,680 Do you want to come over here? 213 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:29,680 No, I'm fine. 214 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:35,480 OK, cool. Right and they... and they can fly to other planets? Yes, they have lasers and wings. 215 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,720 And they want to do experiments on you? 216 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,760 Find out if she's got a brain. 217 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:43,920 Yeah. Steve. 218 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:45,840 Too far, mate. Too far. 219 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,760 Oh, it was just a laugh. I'm just having a laugh. 220 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,080 I do have a brain, Steve - it's in my head. 221 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,960 I love it - "find out if she's got a brain"! I fucking love it. 222 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,320 They have colonies, Steve, colonies on other planets, not that you'd know, 223 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,080 and they do experiments on us so they can colonise us 224 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:04,600 and they take you in a space ship and they stick things up your arse. 225 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,840 So it's not all bad then? 226 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,280 I've got to go to Kieron's school tomorrow. 227 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,240 I've got to see his teacher. 228 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,920 Do you mind if I put this here? 229 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:21,000 No. OK. 230 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,560 Kieron's developed a kind of a twitch. 231 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:29,120 Twitch. Yeah. What kind of twitch? 232 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,840 He sort of does this. 233 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,880 HE LAUGHS 234 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,080 Sorry. 235 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,640 You sound like a brilliant mother. 236 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:43,400 Do I? Yeah. In many ways you're the world's mother. 237 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,440 Am I? Yeah. 238 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,800 Thanks Dan. Thank you. 239 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,600 Thank you very much. 240 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,120 I should text him actually. 241 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,200 Just check he's got himself to bed. 242 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,080 Achoo! 243 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,440 Wow, bless you babe. Bless you Laura, are you OK? 244 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,080 Bless you. Thanks. 245 00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,000 I think I'm coming down with something, 246 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,560 probably wouldn't have happened if Paul had let me play the drinking game. 247 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,800 It probably wouldn't have happened if Paul had let me play the drinking game. 248 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,400 Bless you Laura. Bless you babe. 249 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,040 Thanks babes. 250 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,600 Steve. 251 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:28,000 Bless you. 252 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,880 Thanks Steve. 253 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:31,920 Probably got it off the alien. 254 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,600 Yeah. Yeah. 255 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,480 Maybe I did. Alien flu or something. 256 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,040 Yeah. Yeah. 257 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,920 Maybe I did. When they did her up the arse. 258 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,800 Steve. 259 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,840 Steve, that was uncalled for. 260 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,680 I don't let anyone do me up the arse Steve, 261 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,960 not unless it's their birthday. 262 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,000 Steve, have I got anything on my face mate? 263 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,040 Er, no. Oh, good, cos I, I felt like I had something 264 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,160 on my face, like some food or something. 265 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,080 No? 266 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:10,080 No, you're fine. Good. 267 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,600 Good. 268 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,440 Now then, the drinking game. 269 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,640 Steve was wearing my bra the other day. 270 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,280 Ah Steve. 271 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,600 Yeah, my Mum had done a wash. 272 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,600 I wasn't pissing. 273 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,720 When you came in on me, right, I wasn't pissing, 274 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,240 I don't piss like that. 275 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,960 I piss standing up like a man, like my Dad. 276 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,840 Like my ex Dad. And I come back in the room and he's 277 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,240 perched on the end of the bed, 278 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:43,840 completely naked wearing my bra and he's got his dick in his hand. 279 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,440 Becky. 280 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,240 I can't believe I'm marrying that fucking idiot. 281 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,320 I could get any bird I wanted. 282 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,080 Yeah, course. No he's done it before. 283 00:16:56,080 --> 00:17:00,440 He put my knickers on his head once, seriously, he loves it. 284 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,200 Urgh. 285 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,000 I think it's something to do with his Mum, 286 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,440 you know he used to put make up on. 287 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:09,280 And there's this tart who works in Rymans, her name's Paula, Mm. 288 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:13,800 I'm called Paul, yeah. You see, like we're made for each other. 289 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,960 Er, yeah, er, it was a joke. 290 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,640 Holding my dick was part of the joke, I was pretending to be a pervert. 291 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,880 I don't think you need to pretend Steve. 292 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,440 He doesn't need to pretend to be a pervert. 293 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,040 I fingered her by the envelopes. 294 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,440 Yep, well Becky does... 295 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:35,480 Yeah mate, yeah, yeah. 296 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:40,040 For fuck's sake. Yeah, well, er, Becky does such disgusting farts 297 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,920 that she has to wipe her arse afterwards. 298 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:46,320 For fuck's sake Steve. Oh, you dirty slut. 299 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:50,480 That's personal information mate. It's an ailment Steve, it runs in the family. 300 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,560 At least I wipe my arse. 301 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,680 What do you mean? I've listened. 302 00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:01,000 You never use more than three bits of bog roll. I fold. 303 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,320 What? Everyone folds. 304 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,600 No they don't. 305 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,640 I'm trying to save the environment. 306 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,880 You're filthy. What, you, you know you can say what you want 307 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,640 but I know for a fact that I wipe my arse more than anyone in this room, 308 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,960 because I suffer from a medical condition 309 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,200 known in layman's terms as an anal itch. 310 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:24,480 Fuck off. 311 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:28,400 Too much information Steve. Do you need someone to scratch it for you Steve? 312 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,760 Do you need someone to scratch it for you Steve? 313 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,560 Can... can I have a word? 314 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:51,440 What about? Maybe he needs someone to scratch his bum for him. 315 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:56,240 Paul, Paul, Paul, maybe he needs someone to scratch his bum for him. 316 00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,000 Can I have a word? 317 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,080 Can we just listen to some ABBA, I love ABBA. 318 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,200 Do you know ABBA were all brothers and sisters. No, some of them were married. 319 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,040 Oh, that's it. 320 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,440 Er, you've locked us in the toilet. 321 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,440 What is wrong with your head? 322 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,960 Listen. 323 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,960 You sit there being rude to my sister, 324 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,280 mocking her cos she happened to see an alien, 325 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:37,640 as if you were better than her somehow in your fucking selfish... 326 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,280 Becky. I haven't finished. 327 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:45,040 In your fucking selfish view. 328 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,120 OK, finished. 329 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,760 Becky I need... 330 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,760 how long has that been there? 331 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,480 About ten minutes. 332 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:03,080 You're supposed to tell me. 333 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,560 For God's... look at the. 334 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,760 Listen, sorry... 335 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,440 Not listen, but. 336 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,320 I know, 337 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,240 I know I shouldn't... 338 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,920 I know what I said was wrong. 339 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:23,000 Oh, well done. It's only taken you three hours. 340 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:26,120 I broke the, well they're not rules, but the code, 341 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,960 the agreement, the un... The unspoken... 342 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,240 What the fuck are you talking about? OK, OK. 343 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,040 Becks, are you coming out soon? In a minute, Laura. 344 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,040 Ste-eve. I can't help it! 345 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,240 I'm sorry, OK? 346 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,640 I'm just saying that I'm sorry. 347 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,520 Well, I get, I get this, I get this... 348 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,840 Look, I get upset. 349 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,480 Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, Steve. You're 24, get over it. 350 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,680 What are you doing? I need a piss. 351 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,920 I'm trying to have a conversation with you. Oh, this is a conversation, is it? 352 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,440 Just... Just listen to me. 353 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,960 I've never... 354 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,520 Whenever I see you talking to someone...like a male person... 355 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,320 Otherwise known as a man. 356 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:15,840 Whoever it is, I get this, it's like rotting, 357 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:21,040 it's like I'm, I'm rotting in my tummy. I can smell that. 358 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:24,600 Oh, Becky, please, it's just, you know... 359 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,320 Oh, I don't know, I'm not very good at this. 360 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,400 Really? 361 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,840 It's just... 362 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:35,480 When, when, when we first met, it was like... 363 00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:41,280 You know when they repaint the roads, the road markings? 364 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,280 And suddenly, 365 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,840 suddenly it's like a whole new road. 366 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,160 OK, forget that. 367 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,240 Er... I'm trying, I'm trying to... 368 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:55,560 I'm trying to put it into words and I'm not, I'm not, I'm not... 369 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:59,120 I'm not very good with words. Can you just look at me when I'm speaking to you? 370 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:02,440 I'm washing my hands, Steve, I've got a bit of wee on my thumb. 371 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:06,360 All I mean is, 372 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:10,200 when I met you, it was like I realised 373 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,680 all my life I've been doing an impression of myself, 374 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:17,600 or, you know, or an impression of what I thought I should be, or what other people... 375 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:21,080 OK, I get it, carry on. OK. 376 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:24,760 And then I met you and it was like... 377 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,280 Um, Diwali. 378 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,160 Diwali? 379 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,400 Yeah, yeah, fireworks night, I don't know, er... 380 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,240 Christmas, Birthdays, Lent. 381 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,600 Not Lent. KNOCK AT DOOR 382 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:38,800 Paul's being really horrible to me, Becks. Well, we'll be out in a bit. 383 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:43,040 He's doing impressions of what I look like when I suck him off. OK, we'll be out in a bit, Laura. 384 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,240 Thanks, Becks. 385 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,440 I should get back out there. 386 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,840 I think Paul's up to something. No! Becky, let me finish. 387 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:58,000 When I met you, every piece of my life was a, was a bit of a puzzle. 388 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,520 You know, it felt... 389 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,440 I dunno, it, it felt... 390 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,000 Oh, look... Oh... All I, all I mean is... 391 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:08,960 That's why I get like this. 392 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,040 That's why I get silly when you talk to other men, 393 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:15,640 because I know they'll fancy you, because they must do, 394 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:21,480 because you're beautiful and funny and perfect in every single way 395 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:24,880 and everyone wants to be like you. 396 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,000 Just look at Laura and, and Shelly. 397 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:31,240 You're so...cool, and I get scared 398 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:34,280 you're going to want to go out with someone else and not me 399 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,840 because I'm not beautiful or funny or perfect, 400 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:38,520 or even just a little bit cool. 401 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,280 I like reading facts. 402 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,280 I'm scared of spiders. 403 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,480 But we're the same person, 404 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,840 And we like doing the same things, like... 405 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,720 Well, like eating, and drinking, and Inspector Morse. 406 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:56,160 I mean, I love watching Morse with you. 407 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,400 And I, and I get scared that I'll lose you and... 408 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,560 I can't. I can't lose you, Becks, 409 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,520 because if I lose you... 410 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,480 I love you. 411 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:27,120 I've been a dick because I love you 412 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,160 and I'm sorry. 413 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,360 I'm, I'm sorry for dragging you in here, 414 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,400 I'm sorry for taking it out on Laura, 415 00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,840 I'm sorry for being the world's biggest dick. 416 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,560 But I, I just, I just love you. 417 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,720 I just love you so much. 418 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:51,840 I love you so much. 419 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,760 That's funny, cos, er, 420 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,520 I was under the impression that you loved the girls in the chip shop. 421 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,200 Oh, of course I don't! 422 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,280 Why do, why do you have to do this? 423 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:18,480 Why do you have to say things like that? I just poured out my heart and my soul... 424 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,680 Ssh. 425 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,200 I'm sorry. 426 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,040 I love you too, you dickhead. 427 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,880 Ohh. Thank you. 428 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:48,040 Oh, you don't really like Stephen Fry, do you? No, course not. Good. 429 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,920 Oh, fucking hell. 430 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,320 So...I guess... 431 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:09,400 now we've said that. Mm. 432 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:10,920 At last. 433 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:16,240 And seeing as I spend most of my time here anyway, 434 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:21,160 and it's getting really rubbish having to get the bus here and then home all the time. Mmm. 435 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:24,160 And I shouldn't still be living with my parents at my age. 436 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,560 Absolutely. 437 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:28,760 Maybe I should just... 438 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,520 I might as well move in. 439 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,680 What's that? 440 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,280 Maybe I should move in, here. 441 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:43,760 Practically live here anyway, and then I won't have to keep getting the bus. 442 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,080 It's not that bad, is it, getting the bus? 443 00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,400 It's really annoying. 444 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,400 And I don't want to be living with my parents all my life. 445 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,960 OK. Great. 446 00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:59,920 Ah, you know there'd be tax implications, they'd cut our benefits. We don't have to tell 'em. 447 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:02,720 Oh, OK. 448 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,560 Practically live here anyway. Yeah. 449 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,400 Course. 450 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:10,840 Great. 451 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,760 Well, you're going to move in. 452 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,880 That's great. 453 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:19,080 Oh. 454 00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:20,920 Oh, that's great. 455 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:31,680 ♪ Come closer and cuddle me tight 456 00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:34,640 ♪ My heart goes boom bang-a-bang Boom bang-a-bang 457 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,120 ♪ When you are near 458 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:39,080 ♪ Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time... ♪ 459 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,000 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 460 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,960 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 461 00:28:48,010 --> 00:28:52,560 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0